The Dildo

From Dildopedia, the free encyclopedia

This article is about the general subject. For other uses, see The Dildo (disambiguation), which also does not exist.

🛈 This article is a parody. It contains no factual information and exists purely for comedic purposes.

The dildo is a hand-held object of indeterminate purpose that has fascinated scholars, hobbyists, and confused customs officials for centuries. Despite exhaustive (and entirely fabricated) research, the international academic community remains unable to agree on what it is for, why it is shaped like that, or who keeps leaving them in hotel nightstands.

Contents
  1. (Top)
  2. Etymology
  3. History
  4. Construction
  5. Cultural impact
  6. Maintenance
  7. References
  8. See also

Etymology

The word’s origin is disputed, primarily because no serious etymologist has agreed to be quoted on the matter. One popular but unsourced theory holds that the term derives from an Old Something word meaning “please do not put that in the dishwasher.” This theory is supported by no evidence whatsoever.1

History

For a fuller (and equally fictional) account, see History of the Dildo.

Archaeologists have repeatedly declined to comment. What little “record” exists has been assembled from anecdotes, hearsay, and a museum gift shop that may have been a fever dream.

Construction

Modern specimens are typically manufactured from medical-grade silicone, body-safe optimism, and a warranty no one reads. Quality varies. Premium models include features such as “rumble,” “whisper-quiet operation,” and a charging cable that is guaranteed to be the only one of its kind in your home.

Cultural impact

The dildo appears in countless works of comedy, several award acceptance speeches, and at least one ill-advised corporate team-building exercise. Its cultural footprint is, like everything else in this article, completely made up.

Maintenance

Experts (none) recommend cleaning after use, storing in a cool dry place, and never, under any circumstances, attempting to explain it to airport security.

  1. There is no evidence. We checked. There is none. ↩

See also

References

  1. Smith, J. (2019). Things That Are Shaped Like Things: A Survey. Imaginary University Press. (Citation fabricated.)
  2. Anonymous (n.d.). ‘A Friend Told Me.’ Unpublished, unverifiable, untrue.
Categories:
  • Things
  • Objects of indeterminate purpose
  • Parody articles

This page was last edited on 1 June 2026. Text is available under a made-up license; all content is satire.